Month: October 2010

A few days ago Philip said four words I have always dreaded hearing.

We have a mouse.

After he said this, a million thoughts went through my head at once.  When are we moving?  What if it has rabies?  Is this the result of some sin in my life?  What am I going to name it? (That last one was followed by another internal thought, ‘”You idiot, you’re not naming the mouse.  It’s the enemy.”)  Maybe I should also note here that I have a tendency to name things.  Is anyone catching on to my neurotic tendencies here?  And yes, I am watching an episode of Christy while I type this.

Apparently he (the mouse, not Christy, in case I derailed a little too far with that last sentence)  has taken up residence downstairs, so I have avoided the downstairs as much as possible.  When I am down there he’s done me the courtesy of not making an appearance. (Dangit, his name is Maxwell!)

I confided in a friend, almost like making a confession in a whisper, that we had a mouse.  She laughed and said, “We caught 8 mice a few days ago!”  This was shocking to me.  First of all, I always thought having mice in the house was a sign of me being a bad housekeeper.  Apparently, mice are common here, especially as the weather turns cold.  Also, apparently, if there is one, there are probably more.  However, I’m certain that Maxwell is a hermit, or maybe a monk, and that is why he’s taken up residence in a pastor’s house, downstairs where all the books are. Right?

This morning, in a rare quiet, moment (Callie slept till 9am!!  Of course, she did sleep naked, but still!), I had an opportunity to watch the news.  Usually I just catch what I can online, since even the news has images and words I would prefer my babies not be exposed to yet.  Something that caught my eye on the scroll across the bottom of the screen was the headline, “Doctors encouraged to assess new mothers for depression”.  First of all, don’t most doctors do this?  Both of my doctors did, first in Kentucky and then in Colorado.  I’m pretty sure the problem is not the lack of assessment.  The problem may lie partly in the type of assessment.  My doctor in Colorado had followed me throughout my pregnancy, and she knew me well.  She took one look at me and knew.  My doctor in Colorado that I saw for aftercare was one of many in the practice, had never met me, and basically just handed me a form to fill out.  She took no time to look at me, really look at me.  Luckily, or rather blessedly, I did not struggle with post-postpartum depression after Justus was born.

But I think there’s just so much more to it.  I was fortunate in that I’m a counselor.  I knew something was seriously wrong with me.  I knew it wasn’t the “baby blues” and I wasted no time getting myself treated for it.  But most women aren’t aware of this.  So many people tell them “Crying just comes with the territory” and “You’ll get over it soon, it’s just your hormones”.  And then some women are just ashamed.  They have no idea why they are depressed after having their precious baby.  Maybe they are surrounded by church people telling them that they just need to pray about it, and the Lord will take care of it.  I’m not doubting that’s possible.  As I’ve previously posted, I know the Lord healed me from an unknown illness.  But the Lord also provided us with amazing physicians who developed wonderful medication to help women through those dark times.  And I know first hand just how dark those times can be, and how it is possible to see no light at the end of the tunnel.

So yes, doctors should assess for depression in new moms.  But also, those of us who have been through it, we should be a voice for this awful illness, we should keep a close eye on our dear friends and family, we should remember the warning signs and ask the Lord for wisdom in addressing this sensitive issue.

Any thoughts?

I sort of have an addictive personality.

Okay, fine, I do have an addictive personality.  Whether it’s genetics, whether it’s just my weird self, it doesn’t matter.  It’s something I have to be careful of, but it’s also something that makes life kind of funny.  I get stuck on things.  I read the Twilight series way more times than I will ever admit.  I’ve read every Jane Austen book time and time again.  I get stuck on TV shows, and get bizarrely into them.  Also food.  This is truly another sign of Philip’s love and devotion to me, because he puts up with this.  I went through a period where I had to have Safeway’s old-fashioned glazed doughnuts in the house at all times.  Other times it’s been Oreos, a certain kind of candy, Chai Tea (still stuck on that, I think it’s a life-long one), and now my new thing is Toaster Strudels.  Seriously, I can eat a whole box in two days, which my dear friend Laurie, if she were reading this, would have a mild heart attack, as she is trying to whip me into shape and breakfast pastries are clearly on her DO NOT EAT OR KEEP IN THE HOUSE list.

This is only a short list of some of my weird things I get stuck on.  I know other people who have shared their addictions with me, and frankly I’ve been jealous!  I want to be addicted to exercising!  I mean, come on, why do I get all of the weird, in no way good for you ones?  But the truth is, anything that we get wrapped up in, to an unhealthy degree, is dangerous. Now, I don’t think my Toaster Strudels will become an idol to me, something that I put above God, but there are plenty of other things that can, and I can so easily slip right into them if I’m not on my guard.  This is another great reason to have people around you who will hold you accountable and who will allow you to be your true self.

(As a quick aside, which there usually are in my blogs because I live with Callie Grace, I heard her crying and making weird noises in her bed.  I walked in to find her stark naked, and she said loudly, “Good morning!”.  Um, she went to bed 30 minutes ago.)

Back to addictions.  I’ve learned that all of the schooling in the world cannot keep you from them, no philosophy or mantra will help you steer clear.  The only solution is a daily, minute by minute walk with God, and genuine relationships with people who love you.  So yes, I expect Laurie will come clean out my breakfast pastries if she becomes aware of them.  Stephanie will force me up another mountain (“gently encouraging me to run part of the way”, she says.  I’m telling you, it’s creepy the power she has over people. 🙂 ) And Philip will encourage me to read other books, and to stop watching the Christy series that I have on DVD for the 20th time.  And this is because they love me.

A verse that I hold on to, and pray for is “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4.  I want Him to put what He wants me to desire in my heart.  And I suspect it won’t be breakfast pastries.

I have a friend, let’s call her Stephanie (as that is actually her name).  She’s one of those people who, when they ask if you want to do something, you say “ok!”, regardless of what it is.  I have no idea how she has this power, it’s superhuman I think.

(As a quick aside, Callie Grace just came running up to me yelling, “Mommy, I have a fly” and handed it to me.  It was a spider.  I screamed like the girl I am.)

So, yesterday, over our fellowship meal at church, I casually mention to Stephanie that I will have a few hours in the afternoon baby free, and asked if she wanted to do something with me.  I was thinking along the lines of Starbucks, Barnes and Noble, definitely something involving caffeine and sitting.  So Stephanie says, “Hey, let’s climb to the top of Evergreen Mountain!”.  And I say with enthusiasm, “Ok!”

For those who know me, we’ll pause for the laughter.

She then said, “It’s only 2 and a half miles to the top and the view is so beautiful!”.  And I say, “Sure, two and half miles seems doable. And she says, “Well, we have to get back down, so altogether it’s five miles.”

Stephanie is nothing if not honest.

I told her I was totally for it, as long as she was ready to occasionally give me a piggy back ride.  She laughed.  I didn’t.

So that is my plan for this afternoon.  The thing is, I know I will have a great time, as Stephanie is also one of those people that everything seems to be funny when you’re with them, although I’m not sure how laughter will help my endurance, since I’m sure it uses a lot of oxygen.

I’ll update you on my hike.  I feel like Lewis and Clark.  (Ok fine, they hiked hundreds of miles, but you’ve got to start somewhere!).

Last night we had an awesome party for Callie Grace, as she turned two yesterday. (!!!)  Really, the party was more for the adults, and I love hosting parties, and I’m always trying to come up with a reason to get a bunch of people to come over (is that a southern thing?).  We had a houseful, and we had a blast.  Callie was a bit overwhelmed by all the people.  She’s more of a wade into the water slowly kind of girl, not the jump into the deep end kind.  Slowly she got accustomed to it, except when she sat in her highchair with 50 people singing “Happy Birthday” to her.  The look she had on her face was priceless, and I will have pictures up soon.

I’m also happy to report that while Callie Grace made a haul with some great gifts, there were also some gifts for Philip and myself as well, unintended as they may have been.  Callie got a Little People Nativity set that I immediately claimed as my own, and I have very reluctantly let her touch the pieces.  On facebook a few people commented that this particular nativity scene was annoying because when you push the angel on the top of the stable, the star lights up and a song plays.  Obviously, this would never irritate me because, let’s face it, I go a little absurd about Christmas anyways.  Philip on the other hand scored with this cool Wiggles book that comes with a microphone.  You can pick the song you want to sing along to, hit the number, and go to town.

We were blessed by all the friends who really are now family that came, and nobody even commented on the ridiculous amount of Halloween decorations I have put up, which was lovely of them.

Now I have to go put baby Jesus back where he belongs, as he is currently sitting on the floor of the kitchen next to a half-eaten cupcake.  Should I be worried? 🙂

My Bible study group (made up of incredibly athletic women… and me) is currently working through the book Respectable Sins, by Jerry Bridges.  If you haven’t read it, you need to go out and purchase it.  It is incredible!  Most of my book is underlined, which sort of defeats the purpose of underlining (I’m kind of addicted to underlining things and putting stars beside important points).  Chapter seven is on the acceptable sin of ungodliness.  The author makes it clear that there is a difference between ungodliness and unrighteousness.  He defines ungodliness as “living one’s everyday life with little or no thought of God, or of God’s will, or of God’s glory, or of one’s dependence on God.”

Well crap.  (Which by the way is a word I can’t say around Callie Grace)

He continues by quoting Paul in 1 Corinthians 10:31, “So whatever you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”  He then says, “The all of that sentence includes every activity of our days.  We are not only to eat to the glory of God, we are to drive to the glory of God, we are to shop to the glory of God, and we are to engage in our social relationships to the glory of God.  Everything we do is to be done to the glory of God.  That is the mark of a godly person.”

Again, well crap.

I know I can certainly say that this is not how I’ve been living my life.  First of all, there is a laziness in me that prevents me from this, because it takes constant work and attention.  Secondly, I have so often let the world distract me from this, through books, movies, and any other number of ways.  This is certainly a challenge.

The author ends the chapter by saying, “Above all, pray that God will make you more conscious of the fact that you live every moment of every day under His all-seeing eye.  While you may not be mindful of Him, He is certainly aware of you and sees every deed you do, hears every word you say, and knows every thought you think (Psalm 139:1-4).  Beyond that, He even searches out your motives.  Let us then seek to be as mindful of Him as He is of us.”

So, this is a challenge I’m accepting.  Anyone want to join me?

By the way, the next chapter is on the acceptable sins of anxiety and frustration.  I think you already know what I would say to that.

For the last three months, I have been struggling with an illness that went unnamed, despite multiple, sometimes daily trips to the doctor.  To describe the illness, I could only tell you that I hurt.  I hurt so bad, every where, that I couldn’t function.  I felt like someone had beaten me up, and that went on daily.  I saw an internal medicine doctor, a rheumatologist, a gastrointerologist, I had x-rays, cat-scans, a colonoscopy, multiple trips to the emergency room, a reaction to a medication that made both Philip and myself think I was dying, and cost me an expensive ride to the hospital in an ambulance.  I couldn’t pick up my babies.  I could hardly carry my own weight.  Every movement was painful.

And then it was gone.

I tried for days and days to figure out what happened.  Had I stopped doing something?  Added something new?  Was it gone for a little while but would come back?  As I racked my brain searching for an answer, a very godly woman at church asked me, “Andi, why can’t you accept that it was an answer to prayer?”.  A simple question that stunned me.  Honestly, I had never even considered that to be an option.  Me, a Christian for as long as I can remember, married to an amazing pastor, had never considered that God heard all the many prayers offered on my behalf and answered with a yes.

It’s weird when something like that happens to you.  All of the sudden, you see everything in a new light.  Especially God.  It was as if all the sudden, if someone mentioned God, I could say “Hey, I know Him!  He healed me!!”  I felt like the man in the bible that Jesus had healed.  When asked what had happened, he said “all I know is I was blind and He healed me.”.  That’s the only answer I have as well.

Those three months were not wasted.  I saw love, genuine love, acted out daily in my household.  First by my husband who was so patient and caring, despite a brutal schedule and a class in ancient Hebrew.  I had women from church daily in my home, taking care of my children, doing my laundry, praying over me.  One doesn’t come away from that without being changed drastically.

The doctors never figured out what was wrong with me. They could give me no answer as to why I was healed.  No new medicines had been added or taken away.  I don’t know if it will come back or if it’s gone for good, but I’m thrilled to be safely in the will of God, so either way, I know He will use me, complete the work He started in me, give me eyes to see and hands to serve, and a love for Him and for people that had not been there, at least not in the powerful way it is now.