I’m turning 35 next week. I love birthdays, and not just my own, really I’ll celebrate anyone’s birthday. An excuse to be excited and eat cake, and I’m in. I do also love my own birthday for many reasons. I’ve never been one to hope nobody knows or remembers. I’m the one with the countdown to my birthday on my fridge. No really, it’s there.
Aging has never been a stressor for me. Maybe some of that can be attributed to the fact that I’ve always looked ridiculously young for my age, and I’ve been waiting until I actually look my age to be stressed about it. But more than that, there’s always been the certainty that I will surely get wiser with age. I’ve always thought it as pretty much a guaranteed. Like death and taxes. And no parking places in the pouring rain.
So here I am, about to be 35, and for the first time, there is a small amount of panic, but since I can’t seem to ever do anything in the normal way, it is not the normal panic about getting old. I feel panicked that I’m not wiser at all, and that indeed in some ways I’m headed in the opposite direction.
Is this normal? Is it in the same way that the humble are unaware of their own state of humbleness? (And along the same lines, the crazy are blissfully unaware of their own craziness?…. wait…). Does anyone ever actually feel wiser with age? James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” This is an extremely comforting text, followed by an extremely uncomfortable text in verse 6: “But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.”
Oops.
Doubt is a huge topic to be tackled another day in another blog – hopefully not five months from now. For now, tell me signs that let you know you are actually getting wiser, either in the comments or at andimeade@gmail.com.
Time to go map out my Christmas decorating strategy which goes into affect, not so coincidentally, on my birthday.
